~A Bitter Swallow~

"Who the hell you callin' crazy? You wouldn't know what crazy was if Charles Manson was eating Fruit Loops on your front porch"

Things have been crazy around here lately. Pretty much almost literally. That's still yet to be decided. A few Saturdays ago, while walking back down to the ferry after a day at the Pacific Science Center, my son told me that he's been hearing voices ("yes", "no", and his name) for a couple years. Over the previous two days, he'd been hearing screaming. Now, for those of you who do not know us, his paternal grandmother is a paranoid schizophrenic. So, naturally, this news was pretty disturbing. What was more scary, was the thought that it was something other than schizophrenia, because if it was, then what was it? We have more than a couple friends that have been diagnosed with brain tumors and the like, so we know the real possibility of that happening. I think this is what scared us the most.

Doctors visits were made. Trips to Kitsap Mental Health were made. An MRI was done. Blood work was done. Urine tests were done. The first urine test came back positive for opiates. This scared the crap out of my son, as he could not think of anywhere he could have been exposed to something like that. He went in for a second test, which came back clean. We have an appointment tomorrow to go over the results of all the urine, blood and the MRI. The visit with the therapist produced nothing. Not for lack of trying; There is simply nothing they can find that fits his symptoms.

I take this as positive news though. I've talked with a mom whose son produced similar symptoms, and was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder, along with food allergies that they believe caused it. I spoke with another friend who stated he had the exact same symptoms when he was about fifteen, that wound up being stress-induced, and was "cured" by some simple stress-relieving strategies. So, there are things that can cause it, that are not deadly or life-altering. Simple steps can be taken.

The therapist is going to pass his file along to their in-house ARNP to go over. She specializes in mental health and children, along with the medical aspects that can cause symptoms that resemble mental health issues. When we spoke with his regular doctor about the medical rule-out the therapist wanted, his doctor looked blankly at me and asked what kind of tests they wanted.

Blink.

Blink.

Seriously??

So, we might have to search for a new doctor as well, which is sad, since it took me so long to find one. However, if he is asking me what tests he needs to run to search for medical reasons for auditory hallucinations, perhaps he is not the one I want to trust with our physical (and mental) well-being.



Now, add to all this excitement a stroke (a friend), a miscarriage (another friend), friendships that seem to be faultering, neighbors who have become a nuisance (although they haven't been harassing us lately, so that's a relief), etc etc etc, and my own mental health has become questionable (not that it was altogether intact to begin with!).

I'm thinking I might see Manson on my porch with a cereal bowl...

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I haven't been writing. I did really well for awhile (if 3 days counts as "awhile"), then my brain exploded. Too much stuff happens too quickly. One event is followed by another is followed by another. I got a book on self-improvement. More like self-chill-out. It's a workbook. I figure I should do that.

So many things roll around my head. Then, I try to decide where it's best put down. Then I realize that one can go here, one there, one maybe nowhere. By that time, my desire to write about it has passed, because all I want to do is stop thinking about it.

I'm sick of people getting sick. Strokes, cancer, mental issues. I've had about as much as I can handle. Pretty sure I have some mental issues of my own (and that isn't a joke). More and more kids with stuff wrong with them. It hurts my heart and makes me so angry.

Anyway, I will try to be more productive in the writing department. I think for my own sanity it has become a must. It's working on being a physical need, just like me setting my treadmill back up has been.

I think it might be time to call the doctor and look into getting anti-depressents again. It's been a few years since I've been on them, but I know the signs and symptoms, and it feels like they are coming 'round again.

I am just always tired. I have no motivation. I have such a hard time getting myself prepared to go to work. I drag my feet so much! And it's not like I have a crappy job. I have an absolutely wonderful job, with wonderful people. I am so lucky to have it. But, I don't want to go. I want to stay home, clean house, make dinner, etc etc etc. But I can't have that.

I don't feel any desire to read, or write. Those are probably my biggest sign that the depression is settling back in. Things I normally love are no longer of any interest to me.

I've noticed myself burrowing into my hole, not wanting to be social, not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. I have to force myself into it, mostly for the sake of my kids (such as going to Seattle to the Science Center). If not for them, I'd probably have become a hermit by now.

I know these things are not normal. It's not normal for me to sit here and sulk and find fault with everything about myself. It's not healthy.

So, maybe tomorrow I'll make that phone call.

I finally found an album I have been trying to remember for years now. I can't find it at Barnes and Noble, which is a bummer, since I have 2 gift cards from there. But just knowing the name of the band is awesome. It's one of those bands I listened to fanatically when I was about 15 years old, if not younger. I traded a family friend. I can't remember what album I gave him for it, but I think it might have been my Cinderella CD (the rock band, not the Disney princess!). I have fond memories of sitting on his couch or my couch (his name was Steve- another person whose last name I wish I remembered so I could find him), singing along to the songs at the top of our lungs, pretending we were rocking out on guitars. I loved that CD, and when I couldn't remember the name of them, it drove me crazy. And there was one song, that I knew was a remake of another popular band's song (turns out it was Kiss), and that is what ultimately led me to them.

That, and the fact that the morning snow has kept everyone away from the library today, and we are super quiet. Perfect for Internet browsing.



This is the album. Frolic Through The Park

*Updated! Gave feedback on each item.

Today I'm going to check one of those items off my list. Today I will spend my day preparing a whole gaggle of food. Mostly premade dinners that I can stick in the freezer, for quick and easy preparation on busy evenings. Also on the menu are some after-school (or work) lunch snacks, and a granola-type bar for help in getting me to start eating in the mornings.

I wish I could remember where I got all of the recipies from, so I can link them. I will give links to the ones I have. If you are interested in any that I don't have a link for, just let me know, and I'll send you the recipie!

The menu consists of:

1. Pizza Bites - These came out alright, but I would make them a bit different if I make them again. I would definately use cubed cheese instead of shredded. I would also cut the squares bigger to make for easier folding. Also, I would add a dab of pizza sauce to each one. Not sure they were worth the effort put into making them though.

2. Cheeseburger bites - ditto the pizza bites.

3. Oatmeal Peanut Butter Trail Bars - these came out pretty good I think. I didn't put in the raisins, since no one here likes them, save Dustin. I might make another batch with raisins in it. Also, they taste like they'd be superb with the cranberries.

4. Mini Turkey Meatloaves - So far these look like they came out great. I got a chance to taste a bit from the pan, and they are yummy. I cooked them, then wrapped them in tin foil, sealed them in a plastic bag, and froze them. Hopefully they reheat well.

5. Spinach Lasagna Rolls - These came out looking delicious. I really cannot wait to see how they come out when I make them!

6. Skinny Italian Spinach Meatballs - These taste like they'd be good with an alfredo sauce. I think next time I'll cut back on the amount of spinach. It was a bit overwhelming. But they were still tasty. I precooked them, then divided them into meal-portioned bags and froze them.

and

7. Spiced Honey Lemon Chicken - Pretty simple. I just whipped this up, divyed it up between a few different bags of chicken, then threw them in the freezer. We'll see how they come out!
If I have enough ingredients left over, I am going to try and make these, as well:

8. Tangy Beef Stroganoff- This one I should have completely read first, as you have to slow cook the beef for 8 hours in a crock pot before putting together. I didn't notice that until 2pm. So, I hope to get this one done Thursday.

9. French Toast Sticks Was going to make this one, then realized that I didn't have an extra bag of bread laying around like I thought I had! Coming soon!

and

10. Chicken Macaroni Bake- This looked and smelled so yummy when making it. Another one I can't wait to try. And it was super easy to make.

I'm thinking it sounds like a crazy day. Hopefully I get through them all, and I am really hoping that they are super tasty, and easy to prepare later on. It's my first time doing anything like this, and I'm hoping that a bit of work today will save me time and money throughout the month. Time, because I won't have to prep, or stand there staring at my pantry and fridge trying to figure out what to make. Money, because it'll cut down on all the going out to eat because I don't feel like making dinner. This way, I can just grab it and throw it in the oven. Done!

I am also wanting to try my hand at making Chicken and White Bean Enchiladas. Again, something I've never made before, but I don't think I'm going to pre-make this one. I've got all the stuff, and I think I might just make it for dinner this week. Maybe Friday, since that's a day I'm not running!

Again, I got most of these recipes from Once A Month Mom. You should go check it out. I am also really digging Gina's Skinny Recipies, where some of these also came from. I'll let you know how the day goes!

So, new year, new list of things to strive towards, right? I try not to set resolutions that are unattainable, or too stressful. Instead, I try and give myself reasonable goals to work towards throughout the year. A check-list to focus my attention and energies towards. This is my goal list for 2011:

1. As always, write more. Utilize TLR for writing prompts and exercises, and Thaydra.com for my story projects. Really dig into my storylines and bring them out. But, on the whole, just write. Even if it's just blogging.

2. Join a dance class. Hopefully with Dustin and some other friends and family. We were recently talking about swing class, which is something I've been interested in learning already. Otherwise, getting back into bellydancing would be great, too.

3. Join the yoga class down the road. At least go drop in on some classes and check it out- see if it's something I want to do.

4. Plan and make meals ahead of time, so that dinner is quick and easy on those busy nights. I've been following Once A Month Mom and have been totally inspired to give this a shot. Especially since she's starting the healthier menu plans as well.

5. Go to the dentist.

Time for me to go back and see how I did on my Resolution List last year. I'll put together another list for this year soon, but for now- The Results!

1. Write more. I had this last year, but I want to focus more on my stories, not only on my blog. I don't want to spend less time on my blog- just more on the stories.
I'm working on it, though I wouldn't necessarily call this a success.

2. Learn how to use my sewing machine. I would really like to learn how to make some of those clothes, purses, etc that I have the patterns and fabric for in there! All I need is the know-how!
Yeah, total fail on this one, though I do have someone who knows their stuff on this, and is going to come help me!

3. Continue to cook more at home, and cook healthy meals.
I think I've been doing okay with this one. I could do better, but I have been actually thinking about it in my choices, which is a good start.

4. Learn how to shop efficiently for healthy food and snacks.
Not sure I'd say yes I did to this, but again, I've been more aware in my choices, which helps me grab for the more healthy options, or realize that I am not really hungry, and not grab anything at all!

5. Make it a habit to eat breakfast, and choose (and bring) healthy snacks throughout the day. Yeah, this didn't happen.

6. Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! And not be discouraged if I don't "see" results. Let my body tell me how it's doing, maybe not visually, but internally.
I was actually doing rather well when I had my treadmill up, but since we've moved it's pushed aside until I have room to put it back up. I'm jonzing for it though!

7. Find some new parks. The ones I know of in the area have become dull to me, and even my kids. Time to move on to new and fresh.
We did look, and found one or two new ones that we like, though there really isn't anything right around here. I need to look closer to home.

8. Find some good hiking trails, and use them; get us all out there, breathing in that fresh air!
Last time I went on a hike, I twisted both of my ankles and am lucky I didn't break them. I'll get back to this once I buy some reasonable hiking shoes.

9. Go camping. I cannot remember the last time I went, and I miss it.
Sadly, this didn't get done, and I am kicking myself for it.

10. Go out with my family at least once a month. By family, I mean my brother and sisters, and mom and dad. We don't spend as much time together as we use to since I quit partying. I need to have them for dinner, or whatever.
I don't know if it's once a month, but I have been getting out more with them, which is awesome.

11. Start actually doing all those crafts I bought all the supplies for.
Started to.. mostly beading. I actually did a bunch this year. Not any of the other crafts though, although my daughter really got into crafting this past year... so she uses it, too!

12. Learn how to make more natural, environmentaly friendly products for cleaning, both the house and our bodies.
Haven't started yet, but still really want to. I did make some cleanser, but didn't like how it worked. I did buy one of the books with some great recipes in it, so one step closer!

13. Go see some live music. This shouldn't be as difficult as it's been for me. I know there's live music around here- I am just horrible about finding it.
Yeah, this one didn't work, either. However, I took my son to his first concert. That was pretty awesome!

14. Get the animals to the vet. This is one of those ones that really should have been done last year, but wasn't.
Check.

15. Figure out what is going wrong in my son's Language Arts class, and help him remedy it.
He's not in that class anymore. His teacher was very unresponsive for how much he'd talk. He's doing much better in his new class.

16. Help my daughter understand this math stuff.
I can't say it was me who did it, because I don't understand the stuff myself, but she's doing much better now.

17. Give a garden another shot, but read up on it more instead of just jumping in.
I was going to, but the weather killed it, and I just couldn't keep up on the weeds growing around it. I think I'm about done with the gardening. The flower garden did well, though!

18. Model more for Dustin.
I've done that. I've also backed off and let him have other models, for things I'm not really comfortable with, just because I should.

19. Get the shed cleaned out, gone through, and organized.
Does it count that this was done because we had to move? I say yes. *nod*

20. Get the boxes in my bedroom cleaned out, gone through, and reorganized.
I did do this. Before we moved even!



So, overall I didn't do very well. This year my goal list is going to be shorter, and more thought out. I'm not going to dwell on what I didn't get done, though. Instead I will feel good about what I did accomplish, and continue to work on what I've started, as well as incorporate some more!

So, I have a dilemma. Well, a possible dilemma. One of our employees at work just retired, so there is a chance that those hours may be split up between those of us still here. I have the possibilty of being offered 4 more hours a week.

The trouble is, I don't really want those hours. I don't want to work as much as I do! I want to stay home, clean house, cook, do laundry, craft and write! But, it's more hours which means more money in my pocket. Is 8 hours a pay period worth it though?

I guess I will have to wait and see if it even becomes available, and then find out when they'd want them, and what I'd be doing. Off-desk work would be much easier on me than up front. Up front burns me out too fast.

Anyway, that is my first-of-the-year obstacle. Desicions, decisions!

Today is New Year's Eve. We don't have anything big planned. New Year's is not really a big deal for me, as I view the start of the new year in Spring. However, we are having a couple of the kids' friends over. Maybe we'll start a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmellows and smores. Pop in a movie or two, play some Playstation and/or Wii games. I prefer the mellow, stay indoors and hang night for New Years. Start the year simple and maybe it will stay that way?

I hope all of you have a grand time tonight, no matter how you choose to spend it. And if it didn't go how you would have chosen, I hope it turned out better than you would have gotten. Stay happy. Stay safe.