~A Bitter Swallow~

I'm so bored.  

So, we're quite a ways through my unexpected vacation, due to covid-19.  I left work on the 16th of March, and we are slated (barring anything further happening) to go back on the 13th of April.  During this time I've had plenty of opportunity to do all of the things I've been wanting to do.

But I haven't.

I had envisioned days of cooking, baking, crafting, reading, learning, exercising.  So far, I've made a batch of cookies, a loaf of beer bread, and a no-sew throw pillow cover.  After ten days.  Which, hearing that, it doesn't sound quite as bad.  Still. I feel like I should be doing more- taking advantage of the free time that's been given to me.

The problem is-  I'm not in my own space.  I'm in someone else's space.  And while they do their best to make me feel completely at home here- it's still not the same.  If it had been my own house, I would have been more apt to do the deep cleaning, cook all the things, make a huge mess, digging and planting garden beds, doing whatever struck my fancy.  But I don't feel comfortable doing that here.  It's isolating, even with all the people.  I feel cooped up- unable to stretch out.  I've watched a lot of television- mainly cooking shows. 

Yesterday I was reading a book (The House Witch) and I came to a bit of a realization;  Something that also covers how stifled I felt when I was in my own place.  I'm a hearth witch.  Yes- I love the outside in the woods or by the sea.  In the gardens and kitchens.  The moon and sun and stars. But I've always felt my best when tending completely to the home.  I was happiest (not including my marriage aspect) when I was a stay-at-home mom and my job was to cook and clean and make sure the house ran smoothly.  Reading through this book - it just sort of finally came together in my head.  And it's hard for me to do that after working full-time all day, and just not having the energy to put into it.  Even harder when the space you are in ultimately belongs to someone else.

One of the things I'm hoping can come out of this displacement right now, is the clean slate that will come with getting into a new place.  Especially if I'm somehow able to make that new place one that I am actually purchasing- so I have complete freedom to do whatever the hell I want to it.  I can incorporate all of those things that make me feel in my natural state at home, even if I'm not able to tend to it at all times due to work, especially if I get a second job (which is the plan once all the pandemic stuff has calmed back down). 

I suppose my next step will be to identify what exactly I want my space to be.  What are must haves, and must nots?  Put together a foundation list, so that regardless of the type of space, I can start to build something positive from the very beginning. 

"Home" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  I've finally moved out of the old place.  Most of our stuff is currently residing in a storage unit.  My son is staying with his dad.  My daughter and I are sharing a room at a friend's house.  My whole feeling of "home" has been torn asunder, and I find myself grasping for ways to reclaim that feeling.  That feeling has always been fleeting to begin with, but now it's just gone.

Dictionary.com defines "home" as:
1. A house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, household.
2. The place in which one's domestic affections are carried out.

With this, I suppose I do have a home at my friends' house.  It is my shelter.  It is where I go after work.  Where I sleep.  But that isn't what makes a home.  "Home" is more of a feeling- somewhere where you are at peace, where you feel you belong. This feeling of home is what I'm lacking.

Don't get me wrong-  my friends are fucking amazing, and I am beyond grateful that they offered us a place to go to get our feet back under us for awhile again.   But it's their space and their things -not mine.  The walls are infused with their story, their lives, their love.  Not mine. I feel welcome here, yes. They go above and beyond with that.  It's just not my home, and the fact that I'm 43 years old and yet again do not have a place to feel that is making me crack inside.  It's tearing me on so many levels that I sometimes cannot stand it anymore. I have no feeling of belonging anywhere.  Where is my home?  Where is my kids' home? 

Where do I belong?

It's becoming crunch-time for moving.  I have decided to move in with some friends for the time being. They were generous enough to offer, and I swallowed my pride enough to accept.  I go get the storage unit today, and next Saturday we'll be renting a U-Haul and moving everything we're keeping into it.  It just feels like the right decision for now.  I will be able to pay down my credit cards, and get myself into a better financial situation while figuring out where to settle.

As for settling (down) with a place of my own (purchasing)-  it appears that won't be happening for awhile. I met with a lender, and we went over my income, my debt, my credit, etc...   My credit is actually pretty good.  If not for the amount of the debt it would actually be pretty awesome.   So what is the issue?  My income.  I don't MAKE enough money to qualify for the amount I would need to find a place that I would actually want to buy.  Even if I were to be completely debt free, my loan amount would still be about $50,000 less than I'd be wanting.   Maybe I just really need to lower my standards, but that feels.... wrong.  I don't know.

I did some spell-work a couple of months ago, and damn if it isn't manifesting in the most aggressive of ways.   It's like "okay bitch- you want this, you asked for it, so we're going to MAKE it happen".  LOL    /sigh.      I've been wanting to purge my shit.  I've been wanting to look into buying a house.  I've been wanting to figure out what to do with my career.  Apparently those decisions are being brought  right up front and center, and I'm being forced to deal with them.   No more "dealing with it later".

It's a lot though.  I have so much to think about.  After the move I will need to sit down and really look at my life, and consider my future, and decide what it is that I really want.  Not the physical things per se, but where do I want to be?  What do I want to be doing?  How do I want to live?  And then what will it take for me to get there? I suppose that will be one more benefit of staying with friends-  if I am not worrying constantly about money, it will free up space in my brain to breathe and really delve into this. 

2020 is apparently going to be a year of significant change.  Significant thought.  Action and introspection.  Accepting help.  Pushing boundaries even further.  It will be a year of shedding and growth. 

I don't even know where to begin.   So much has happened since my last post.  So much is still happening.  I guess it's not really so "much" as it is rather significant things. 

Right before Thanksgiving my landlady informed me that she sold the house and that I have until the end of January to move.   This completely blindsided me.  I knew that she had been considering selling the house.  About a year or so ago she pulled me aside and told me that her and her husband had been discussing it.  She then said that if they did decide to sell it, they would be offering it to me first.  She told me they hadn't made any decisions regarding it yet, so not to worry about making a decision right away, but she wanted to plant the seed for later.   So, I knew it was coming, but I completely expected her to offer it to me first.  I HAD been thinking about it since that time, and while I had gone back and forth regarding it, I figured when the time came it would be worth it to talk about it more, see how much they wanted, etc...    So, when she said it had been sold-  it was a complete shock. 

I've gone through a lot of emotions, feelings, thoughts towards them regarding this.  I've been upset, hurt, very angry...   it's put me in a very difficult position.  However, at this point I've just gotten to where it is what it is and I need to do what I need to do.  I'm still hurt, upset, angry, etc...  but I'm not going to dwell on it.  I'm sure they have their reasons.  Whatever.  Nothing to be done.

My problem now is the position I'm in.  This isn't the first time the owners of the house I was in either sold it or decided to move back in and I suddenly need to find another place.  I've always been able to figure it out in the past.  This time ... not so much. 

Rent prices have skyrocketed.  Meanwhile- my paycheck has not.  Over the past few years, the cost of living has gone up so much that I found myself having to live off of my credit cards to make ends meet.  This put me in a vicious cycle.  I had begun to pull myself out of that cycle when I made my previous post.  I believe I explained how the loss of my roommate put a big dent in that.  However, I got the second job, and figured it would work itself out.  The second job would take care of the income loss while I found a new roommate. 

Now...  that's all gone.  The nature of the second job was too much for what is going on with me now.  While it was bringing in some money, it was wildly inconsistent. And the demands of constantly being on call were taking their toll.  The havoc on the social life aside- it's really difficult to pack, make appointments to look at places or meet with lenders, financial people, etc.. when you never know if you are going to be called in to a job.  That's not even taking into consideration the interruptions of sleep, having to keep a constant eye on your phone and unable to "detach".  At one point, I was under so much stress because of everything that I realized if I did not do something about something, I was going to be in serious trouble.  I felt like it was only a matter of (short) time before I ended up having a stroke or something similar.   I could feel the toll it was taking on my brain and my body and something had to give.  The one thing I could control was the second job.  So, I let it go.  I need to find something that is more consistent with pay anyway.  And taking the weight of never knowing if I was going to get called in off my shoulders allowed me some modicum of being able to relax a little. 


I'm under too much stress.  I'm under more stress than I have felt in a very long time.  The prospect of being homeless is overwhelming in the literal sense.  I look at rental postings, and it's laughable.  The only thing I can afford is some tiny one-bedroom place.  For three adults and two cats.  Most places don't take animals.  And when I tell them it will be three adults in that small space, they smile and nod and move on to the plethora of other single people who have shown interest. 

{I know it's easy for people without animals to just say to get rid of them, but that is like telling you to just get rid of one of your family members.  I'm trying to find someone who will be willing to take them until I get into a place of my own, but don't have a whole lot of options there.   And before you start telling me to make the kids get jobs or move out... just don't.  They are looking for jobs.  I'm not kicking them out.  If you feel like that means I deserve what is happening, then please just fuck off.}

My thoughts are jumbled.  I wake up frequently throughout the night, and sometimes the weight of it all is too much.  I can't sleep. It's what I think about when I wake.  It's what I think about when trying to go to sleep.  It's what I think about all day long.  I'm looking for places.  I'm looking for a new second job. The kids are both searching for jobs.  We're running out of time.  I've always been able to figure it out in the past, but I'm just not seeing any options anymore.   It's scaring me.  It's terrifying me.  It makes me sick to my stomach.   I'm exhausted.  We're packing, but I don't know where we are packing for. 

A couple of people have offered to come stay with them.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to be that burden.  I just got my son back with me.  I don't want to have to lose him again.  I don't want to make my daughter have to share a room with her mother.  I don't want to.  I might have to.

I can't even express how much of a failure this all makes me feel like.  I feel like I try so hard, but I just keep getting kicked.   I keep telling myself that it will all make sense in the end-  the Universe knows what She is doing.   In a way, I can see how it's forcing me to do those things that I've been needing/wanting to do but haven't.  But, it's going about in such a despairing way.  I haven't cried so much in a very long time.  I feel helpless.  I am trying really hard to not let the depression take hold during this.  It's a fight- let me tell you.  Most days I'm winning.  Some days are pretty damn bleak, and the thoughts that accompany those are not the greatest.

I don't like to talk about it with people.  I don't feel the need to burden them with my issues.  It's not their problem to solve.  Besides, I hate crying in front of people.   I don't want to be that negative person who just brings everyone down.  So, I smile and joke through it, and pretend it's not too much of a problem.  Probably not healthy, but why should I put that on them?

Part of me thinks it might be best to just own the shame, put my stuff in storage, and accept an offer of a friends house.  Maybe this would help me save money-  get those credit cards paid down / off.  Get my credit score headed back up again.  I'll have to deal with the toll it will take on me mentally/emotionally.  I'm going to feel like such a god-damn loser.  I am such a god-damn loser.   Maybe it will allow me to pull myself out of it somehow though.

So, how do you ask for something like that? This is more than just asking for help- which I already have issues with.  This is monumental.  I don't like burdening them by just talking about it, so the idea of asking if my kid and I can move in??   I have no idea how long I'd have to stay.  It might just be a month- it might be a year. 

Fuck this sucks.  I can't give up.  I won't.  I've been so tempted.. but I won't.  I'm too stubborn for that.  What doesn't kill you... right?

I had something of an epiphany regarding me and my boundaries (or lack thereof) over this weekend.   I've noticed that it's always those I love who I allow to push my boundaries (in a not-in-a-good-growth-way). 

My roommate recently moved out.  Well, a couple months ago now.  However, due to the quick nature of the move (and the distance), much of her stuff was left at the house.  She was still paying rent, but I knew that at some point, the rent would stop.  I had developed a game plan for that side of the house that would allow me to reconfigure my own space, and allow for a massive (much needed purge).  I figured I could do this, and then turn around and get the space re-rented by the first of the year.    However, all of the "I'll come get it this weekend" kept getting waylayed.  I was accommodating because I knew she was having a difficult time with everything.  Things kept happening. 

My epiphany came when I realized that-  things keep happening to me, too.  Life is hard.  Shit happens, and it can be crazy and stressful and hard.  But, why was I letting the fact that other people were having a difficult time be a reason to continue to allow behavior and or activity that was stressful to me, that was causing me mental distress, etc..?   Why is it okay for me to continue to shoulder things that were others responsibility, just because life is happening to them, too? 



It's not just my roommate that I allowed this with, but with so many instances that I can look at within my life.  Once I voiced how much the stuff being there was stressing me out, my roommate made it a point to come get it done.  Once I set my boundaries and stuck to them, it was okay.  Most of the time people are going to understand.  Maybe they didn't realize how much it was affecting me (like in this example).  Those who don't understand-  that's okay.  I need to keep those boundaries in place and stand by them.  I suppose I'm now in a point in my life that I need to re-figure out what my boundaries are.   How to keep them firm.  It's going to be a process.   I'm prepared for that. 

My brain has been on overdrive lately.  I've had a lot of things to think about.  I had done some spellwork and asked for some things, and I'm overwhelmed at how much has been given to me, in ways I hadn't expected.   Sorting through these things is a process, and part of what I need to do in order to fully realize my spell and benefit from its progress. 

Mostly I focused on jobs, money, and abundance.  I needed things to stabilize, and to feel like I'm moving forward.  I also needed the life around me to change- I need to let go of things, to come into my Self and to really focus on me, and what I want in life.    I needed negativity and stress around me to diminish, so that I could relax and authentically feel.

Energy moves in mysterious ways, and sometimes that which is bigger than us has a better picture of what we need.  Or maybe it's our deep subconscious.  I like to think it's both, working together.  In any event, sifting through what has been happening since I worked that spell, and seeing how it has indeed worked to give me what I asked for, is a pretty awesome thing.  At first I thought it had completely backfired, but once I sat back and allowed things to progress, and to accept that the Goddess knew what she was doing, I really began to reap the rewards and to gain a new appreciation for my sense of Self, of my own magic and power, and for the Universe and our connectivity to it. 





I wanted my finances to get better.  For this- I focused on getting another job.  Well,  instead of getting a job right away like I thought would happen, my roommate moved out.  Pretty counter-intuitive to what I had asked for, right?   But, as I struggled with that-  I realized that I wasn't worse off, because she is still taking care of rent while her stuff is still here (and I am unable to re-rent the place).  I was still frustrated and more worried, because now I really need a second job.  I didn't want to take just anything, though.  I wanted something that would still nurture my Self.  However, I began to think I would have to let go of that idea, and that I'd wind up in customer service and probably be miserable for awhile, but at least I'd get my bills paid.  I remember thinking "I just need a funeral home to need someone in the evenings"... and then laughed, because that's not necessarily a "night job". 

Oh, I was corrected.  The very next day in fact.  A posting came across my email for a "removal techinican", and I thought "You have to be joking..".   Sure enough, it's what it sounded like.  I sent in my resume.  I got an interview.  I got hired on the spot.   It's unconventional in what I was looking for, in that I don't have a set expectation of what I might make per pay period.  That said- it was only extra money to put towards credit cards, so I was okay with that.  Now, turns out it will be to keep rent paid, but I'm still okay with that.  The job is something I have always been extremely interested in.  It is stressful in its own sense, but I'm figuring out how to work through and with that. 

Now, I just got propositioned with another possibility.  One that comes with much more responsibility, but also probably a pretty decent pay increase.  At first, I thought it would interfere with the new job.  I was torn, because I thought I had to choose.  But, after some serious consideration (and a trip to a palm reader as well as more than a couple cups of coffee while I moaned to various friends about wtf I was going to do...), I realized I can still do both.  It will take a little bit of adjustment, but it will work.  I don't have to give up one for the other. 

It is, in fact, another answer.  I didn't want to have to get another roommate.  I was dreading it, because 1.  I can REALLY use that extra space.  and 2.  I don't want to deal with having to vet someone new coming into my space, or deal with someone who will constantly want to come hang out with me and talk to me.   If I secure this new thing, then I think there's  a pretty decent chance that I will be able to completely cover my rent, bills, food... and then use the removal job as it was intended- to pay off my credit card debt.   And who knows... will I shift more towards the funeral industry as I get more experience?  Maybe.  I don't know.  I have plenty of time to figure that all out though as I work through everything. 

I am grateful right now.  I'm grateful that I'm getting clear feedback of my own power.   I'm a magical fucking person and I am manifesting the shit out of things.  I need this.  I will gain control over my life again, and live happily and successfully. 

Well, my first pay period with the new job is done.  My first full week on-call netted 5 job calls, logging 13.25 hours.  I'm curious to see what the paycheck will look like.  I'm also curious as to what my numbers will look like once I'm trained up and on rotation by myself instead of going with everyone to learn the ropes.  Will I still get as much action?  Will it be sustainable?  Is it going to do for me what I need it to?

Last night and today were calls to the hospital.  They were pretty straight forward. I'm starting to remember all of the little things.  I'm getting the hang of getting the gurney in and out of the van.  Even when it's got a person on it.  I am beginning to do all the things, and get comfortable with them.  I've still only been on the one house-call, and those are what concern me the most.  However, I take comfort knowing I will NEVER be alone on one of those.  But I think I'd be okay doing a hospital run by myself now. 

I was told last night that I actually look happy.  I guess I am happy.  I'm happy I got a job doing something I'm interested in.  I'm happy I'm making plans and goals that are totally attainable.  I'm happy that I feel like life is finally moving forward instead of just stuck in the bog.   Hopefully this momentum continues forward.  I continue to manifest- to put my energy out there.  To make my thoughts actions, and those actions create reality. 

One thing I need to start paying attention to, particularly on the weekends, is making sure I'm eating and drinking water.  Early.  I am so accustomed to just coffee in the morning, and then I will eat a few hours later more towards noon.  Today and last weekend though, I got called in right when I was thinking about making some food.  Today was actually right when I got done at the grocery store buying some veggies I wanted for my scrambled eggs.  So, I didn't eat anything or get any water in me until I got home at 3:15pm.   This is not good.  I'm going to have to get some easy grab-and-go items to have on hand for instances like  this.. that I can maybe keep in my bag with my change of clothes.  Just in case I need to get something in my stomach to sustain me for a couple of hours until I get done and can get home and make something. 

Other than that, I think things are going okay.  I've got some plans for the house after this weekend.  I'm continuing to enjoy my birds and squirrels during my weekend morning coffee (eight crows today!!  🖤 )  I'm hoping to get my backyard to the same level of peacefulness that I have in my front yard, if not more since it's more private. 

I'm still stressed.  It's hard continually being on-call.  I'm never "off work".  My dating life just went down the toilet.  My social life.. well, it can still happen, but I've already been called away during a thing.  By the time I got back it was winding down.   I feel like this is just going to be my reality for awhile.  My friends and family all know what's up, and not only accept it- they seem genuinely interested.   As for the dating-  meh.   I wasn't really doing much of that anyway, at least not without significant eye-rolling.   I think I can do without that for awhile.