~A Bitter Swallow~

     I've been having a hard time lately;  a hard time keeping my stress under control.   I try to not worry about things, but I think that instead of just "letting go", I am actually just internalizing everything.  I'm just hiding from it, or running from it, or just completely denying it instead of dealing with it.  However, when I try to deal with it, I realize that there really isn't any way to deal with it.  It just is what it is.  I try to accept it, but then we are back to the question of whether that is what I am actually doing or not.  

  I stress out about everything.  I honestly think it is affecting my health.  I somewhat wonder if it's causing my medical problems (more on that in an upcoming post).  I think it is probably at least contributing. 

  I know I am being very vague in this, and I am doing so purposefully.   I apologize for that, but, well, it is what it is.  

  There is something to be said for staying home sick for a day.  After today, I may just have to go expose myself to every one's sneezes and coughs more often.  Rub that crap (okay, not that crap) all over me.   In my swarmy state of mind that often accompanies me when I do not feel well, I was kicked by the writing bug.  I got 15 pages written, plus some editing done.  Now, that may not sound like much in the scheme of things.  But for me, that is phenomenal progress.  And, it alleviated a load of stress from certain areas of the storyline.  

  I've come to the conclusion that my writing bug on that story is finished for today, but with a 3-day weekend coming up, I'm hoping to at least catch that little bug again.  I can do without the feeling like poo-poo part, but if that's what it takes, then I'm willing.  Seriously.  Sneeze on me.  Thanks.

    Every once in awhile, inspiration strikes me, and I can get somewhat, if not downright, crafty.   My latest inspiration smacked me in the face while debating what to do for cigarette butts.   Now, no one in my household smokes, but many of my friends and family do.  So, while preparing for my birthday party that we had a couple weeks ago, I was trying to figure out where I could have everyone put their butts that wouldn't muck up my yard.  I also didn't want to wind up with half-empty soda bottles stuffed with them (yuck!).   This came to me in a brilliant moment of smackdown.   

   It involves empty soup cans, a picture of my family's butts that we took at a previous gathering (don't ask), white paper, black Sharpie, some Mod Podge, some water sealant, and some kitty litter.  

  Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.    Let me be the first to tell you-  I am not doing good with this.   I took turning 30 just fine.   Yeah, I was no longer in my 20s, but by that time, I think I was ready to grow up some, and be an adult.  But, 35 just seems overwhelming.   At 35 they start telling you about all the things you can't (or shouldn't) do, like have children,  and a whole new list of things you should do, like mammograms.   It's like a huge stamp that says "Officially OLD" on my forehead.  I have yet to find wrinkles, but I am sure they are coming. Of course, I slather on my handful of moisturizer every night and forbid myself to even look for them.   It may just be denial. 

  I'll tell you where I do see it.  On my chest.  I cannot begin to tell you how much that bothers me.   I've always had good skin.  I keep telling myself it's because of my weight and my diet, and that as soon as I get those fixed (which I'm working on), it will get better.  Then I try and tell myself it's because I don't eat well, or drink enough water or milk.  So I started taking vitamins and drinking them with milk, and drinking more water.  Eventually I suppose I will have to face the facts and embrace the signs of aging.  However, at this point, I'm still in an absolute state of denial.  

They say that 50 is "over the hill".  35 must be when you crest it, because everything starts to go downhill afterwards, right?  Not that I think my life is halfway over.  Now, the mission is to get serious about being on top of my health.  Getting fit, if not fabulous, and staying that way.  Sometimes the other side of the hill is the lush, tropical resort, right? 

   Wow.  I am a horrible blogger.  I really need to fix that.  I know I keep saying that.  One of these days I might actually work on it. LOL

  We moved!   I'm excited.  I'm hoping that it gives me the sense of space to allow me to relax more, and therefore be able to write more.  It won't happen for a few weeks, I am sure, since I still have tons of unpacking to do. 

  But, the place we are in now has so much more space!  I can walk around without running into everything and / or everyone.   We have a large living room with a woodstove, 2 large bedrooms for the kids, a double sized master bedroom for us, 1 large bathroom (seriously- my old bedroom could fit inside of it), and another 1/4 bathroom (sink and toilet).  Little kitchen with eat-in nook, den with another wood stove, a good sized laundry area that also has room for a crafting space,  a garage, and an attached studio area that has enough room for Dustin to do his photography, as well as his other hobbies.   All that, and a nice front yard, and a fully fenced back yard complete with play structure, shed, and garden. 

  It has some quirks.  It definitely has the feel of a homeowner who took on remodeling projects themself, and didn't quite know what they were doing.  However, it's all cosmetic things, that are easily fixed or ignored.  I'm excited, and have already started the Halloween decorations.  

 Speaking of Halloween decorations, I was appalled yesterday at the stores who have forgone the Halloween decorations in favor of Christmas stuff.  I mean, it is only 3 days into October!  Six of the seven stores I went to yesterday had their Halloween stuff shoved haphazardly into a corner, and looked like they had just thrown out whatever stock they had leftover from last year, then had big Christmas sections already up and running.  The one store that did NOT do that was a Halloween supply store..  It made me want to vomit.   Don't get me wrong-  Christmas is fun, but I LOVE Halloween, and I hate the whole mega-commercialism that Christmas has become.  Halloween and Thanksgiving are practically non-existent anymore because retailers are so gun hoe for Christmas sales.  It makes me sick.

Ok... /end rant on that subject...

If you haven't seen it already, I started a new blog.  I decided to start keeping tabs on all of the recipes I try out.  I was having a hard time remembering what I thought of certain recipes, and what, if any, changes I wanted to try on them.  Now I have all of that, many complete with photos, in one location to go back through.   You should check it out if you are into recipes and stuff:    Our Taste Tests

Next week I get to go to Spokane.  I have to start getting packed and ready for that, I suppose.  It's for a conference for work.  I'm going to the WALE conference.  Should be interesting.

   I must have been a really horrible person in a past life.  I'm serious.  Life just has this not-so-funny way of punching me in the face.  It seems that every time I get excited about something, or when it seems like my luck might finally be turning, Life lands me a karate chop to the throat, and then kicks me in the stomach to boot. 

  It's getting rather frustrating.  It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to think that I shouldn't even bother trying anymore, because it's never going to happen. I keeping setting myself up for disappointment.   I'm just going to be stuck here forever.  Nothing's changing anytime soon, so I might as well just accept that and deal with it.

  Problem is:  I don't know how to deal with it. 

/sigh

  I'm trying to let things go.  I'm trying to not let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  It's hard, though.  It's hard to ignore my brain, and the way it's been my entire life.  It's hard to try and tell myself "It doesn't matter", when to me, it most certainly does.   Things affect me different then they seem to affect most people.  People don't see things with the same kind of eyes I do.  Their brain doesn't process it the same way mine does.  I am very much aware of this, and I try and be normal, like everyone else.  I smile and say "it's okay" when inside I'm seething.   I've tried to rewire my thinking.  I've tried to become all "zen" like everyone says I need to be-  I should be.   But it's not working.  I've been trying for years to be "okay" with things that normal, every-day people are not just "okay" with, but don't even bat an eye at.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to sit here and not say anything.  To just "work through it" so that everything can be kosher.  I bite my tongue, and try to just breathe.  

  I've tried to talk about how things affect me to other people, and I've gotten blank stares, or even worse, the "You are totally over-reacting" stares.  Or even words.. lol.     I get the "you're overreacting" quite a bit.  So, I try and tell myself this, so that I can be okay with things.  I try to make myself believe it.   But it doesn't seem to work that way.  People don't understand the way my mind works, and I can't make them understand how things that seem simple to them, or normal, or 'just how humans are' to them are torturous to me.   "Men will be men"  "It's just human nature" etc... these flippant sayings bear no meaning to me.   I cannot wrap my brain around them, so I cannot understand or accept them.  

  I'm trying to change.  I'm trying to be "normal".  I'm trying to be okay with things. I'm tying to "let go".   Just know that I'm trying.

  I posted this on my writing site, but thought it was cute enough to share here as well.  I decided that I was going to make my kids go to the lake, whether they like it or not! *

I took my kids to the lake today. After spending some time playing with his sister in the water, my son found a group of his friends and wandered off to hang out with them. My daughter lounged on the blanket with me in the sun. I motioned to my notebook, which I had brought with me to write in, and pointed out the entirely blank page. My daughter picked it up and began writing "Blah Blah Blah" on the pages. I was then talking to her about an art project I thought we should try. She picked out words from our discussion and wrote them down. The words were: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, and Glue Gun. I told her she now had to write a story out of those five words, which she readily did. We then spent the next hour or so giving each other a group of words to create a short, paragraph-or-so long story out of. The only rule was that all words had to be used, and we could not alter the word in any way (no pluralization or anything). The following is the result of such hour:




1st- Daughter's

Words: Word, Blah, Dry, Spray Paint, Glue Gun



One time a glue gun met a spray paint bottle and they spray painted the door. It didn't dry, so the glue gun did its magical powers and said one word. The word was "Blah", and the door dried.



2nd- Mine

Words: Paint, Crab, Shoe, House



One beautiful, sunny day Rhiannon thought it was too nice to stay in the house. She decided to go take a walk along the seashore. She kicked one shoe off and dug her toes into the sand, then did the same with the other foot. While enjoying the feel of warm sand on her feet, she felt something hard. She looked down and saw an old discarded crab shell. She picked it up and felt the smooth surface. The whole thing was intact and relatively undamaged. She took it home with her to paint and use as a decoration in her tropical themed room.



3rd- Daughter's

Words: Pink, Tired, Bird, Towel, Monkey



One sunny Sunday I went to my pink room and saw a monkey! I grabbed the monkey and went outside. My mom said she made one tire blue. She didn't even notice the monkey I had. We were going to the beach. I got my monkey towel out of the house. When I went outside I saw a blue bird. When we went to the lake it was closed! So we went to Long Lake instead.



4th- Mine

Words: Crush (towards the end of my writing, she informed me it was the brand name of Orange Crush, not the verb), Bag, Car, Phone, Orange



I had always loved the color orange. Everything I had was that color. But, there came a time when I thought maybe it was time to branch out a bit and try new things. When I bought my car, I opted for pink instead. Then I started wearing ruffles and bows, and even blinged out my cell phone! I bought a huge, expensive bag to carry all the stuff I bought in. It was so big it could crush you! I saw myself in the mirror one day, and realized how much I had changed. I ran outside screaming!! I traded my pink car for an orange truck, my blinged out phone for a plain one, my giant bag for a small one, and drank down an Orange Crush! Phew! It's good to be me again!



5th- Daughter's

Words: Dog, Eyeball, Sidewalk, Purple, Flower



One day I got a dog, and the dog's eyeball was purple!! So we walked on the sidewalk to the car to see the doctor. The doctor said that the dog is very special.


"It can turn into anything!"


"Wow!" I said.


"And it can live forever!"


"I love this dog!" I yelled.


Then we went back home and I grew a flower garden.




6th- Daughter's

Words: Sky, Helicopter, Child, Bunny, Elevator



In the sky was a helicopter and a child was stuck on it. I took my huge moving elevator and my flying bunny to rescue the child. I got in it and the elevator went up to the helicopter and the flying bunny flew to us. I told the child to get in and she did. We went down and saved her! Yay!



(Please note that at the end she drew a very cute flying bunny to illustrate her story)



7th- Mine

Words: Bed, Floaty (the little mats people float on in lakes and pools), Shirt, Foot, Purse



Today we went to the lake. My daughter would have probably preferred to stay in bed, but I said "Too bad!" and we went anyway. I grabbed my purse and we all climbed in the car. I stopped for some gas, snacks, and even bought a floaty for each of the kids. My son took off his shirt and sprayed sunblock on. The mist from the spray got on my foot. Then my daughter did the same. Both of them ran to the water and had a great time!





* They wound up having a good time, and reluctantly agreed that it had been better than being closed up in the house all afternoon! 

   Well, today my boyfriend is off galavanting with pin-up girls and hot rods.   I was suppose to be at the lake with my kids, but they've decided they want to waste this gorgeous day sitting inside on the computer.  Which, I guess is what I've resorted to now, as well. 

  It's frustrating.   They always complain that they are bored, but every time I try to do something with them, I get balked at.   How do other parents do this?  How do you get your kids outside and active?  I try, but they just stand there, balk, complain, etc...  I'm thinking about just making them go anyway, but then I'll drive all the way out there only for them to sit there and whine about how bored they are.