~A Bitter Swallow~

   Some days I feel so utterly removed from the world that I cannot stand it.   Not "removed" as in "not immersed in", but removed as in "not part of".  People and places and situations and relations, et cetera,  all feel so alien to me.  I feel like I'm there, but not really.  Not precisely invisible, just not necessary, either.  An extra; insignificant; just there as  filler while the main actors run the show.  I watch everything through glass, able to see but not interact.  I don't feel like I am truly a part of anything. An unintentional mime.

 It is hard when I say someone is making me feel one way, and it is brushed aside and not even acknowledged. Or worse, when I am made to feel like I am the problem, and their actions towards me are warranted and not something that needs to be apologized for. I am an idiot, so them treating me as such is acceptable, even when called on it.  It is okay when they do things that I have asked for them not to, because they feel it is what I need, or will make me happy. They know these things- what is good for me, where my happiness is, because obviously I do not. 

There are times when I just want to pack my kids up and move far away- somewhere nobody knows me.  I could hide there, in that place.  Keep my head down and to myself and not have to worry about trying to be a part of anything anymore.  If I don't already know anyone, then it won't hurt if I feel forgotten.  It won't bother me to feel like I am intruding or trying to force myself in somewhere that doesn't feel I belong.  I won't feel like people cater to me in order to spare my feelings, while rolling their eyes behind my back, wishing I would go away.  Or thinking that I should be doing or acting a different way, in order to make them feel like I am a whole person.    Without having my every motive or action questioned and scrutinized.  

But does such a place exist?  No, I think not.  I could run away.  I could hide.  But people will always be there, and I am so socially inept that I will feel the same regardless of where I go.  Not to mention I can't just hide myself away from the world.  I can't go and become a hermit somewhere.  I have to be involved in this world so that I can help my children be involved in this world.  Thank the gods for my children.   Seriously.  I wouldn't even have the strength to doggy-paddle, or just float, in this life if it weren't for them.  They are my life raft; the floaties on my arms, helping to keep me adrift, keep my head above water and breathe air into my lungs.  

I know that there are genuine people out there.  People who genuinely like and accept me.  Maybe even people who understand me.  I know much of my feelings stem from old wounds that have sat and festered instead of healing.  Wounds that healed on top, but not breathe, so that the pus and infection sit and eat away of what is around it.  From the top, it looks okay, but underneath is horror.   There are things to help it.  I could cut open the scar and scrape the infection out, let it heal as it should.  But that is painful.  Oh so awfully painful.   I could take antibiotics, and fight it that way. But they are so expensive, and take so long to work, if they ever do.  Finding the right medication could cost so much time and money, and they have some nasty side effects. 

So here I sit, my hands upon the window panes, my fingertips smugging the insides.  I sit peering out at the world.  At all the beautiful people going about their lives.  Their beautiful lives, full of realness.  I long to be a part of that world, to mingle among them.  But I am also terrified of it. Sometimes I beat my fists on the glass, hoping to shatter through it, through the walls and barriers I have created within myself.  But I think part of me holds back the strength of that pounding, that small, fearful part that is horrified of becoming a part of that beautiful alive world.  Afraid that I cannot do it.  That I am too weak, too stupid, too [insert negative adjective here].  

I've been rather frustrated with some things lately. More than just the stupid house looking issue (that, thank goodness, is resolved!). But, I've come to some realizations, and some conclusions, and have devised a plan of action. I have given myself a deadline, and if things have not changed, things will change.

The winds are a blowin'.

***UPDATE**** We signed the lease agreement!! The landlandy (Cindy) is awesome. So far, I love her. So much weight has been lifted off my chest... It's an amazing feeling. Thank you to all of you who have helped out with this whole thing. I couldn't have made it through (without a full-blown, major panic attack or fifty) without you! Now, we will be scheduling a moving party!! End of August. =D

  So, we may have found a place.  We meet with the landlady in 2 hours to go over paperwork and all that jazz.  My son's Boy Scout leader is moving, and they need someone to move into the house they are leaving.  The funny thing is (and I may have mentioned this in a previous post) that we actually looked at the house last year when we were moving.  But, this house we are in won, not only for its size, but for the fact that it was with a property management.  After all the problems we've dealt with over the years with just dealing with the homeowners, we thought having a property management to go through would be a nice change.  Boy howdy, were we wrong. 

  Anyway, so we went back to the house and looked at it yesterday.  It is right around the corner from where we are now, so same location.  The bus stops wouldn't even change for the kids, other than the fact that they are moving up into the higher grades now.  It is directly across the street from a nice park, so while our yard is going to be smaller, we  have an entire park right across the street to play in.   Best of all, the Scout leader has had nothing but absolutely fabulous things to say about the landlady and her experience with her, and that leaves me feeling better than anything. 

I am trying not to get too hopeful just at the moment, though.  We are going to have a bit of a struggle with deposits.  As in- I have no freakin money, so I don't know how the hell I will get a deposit at all.  I'm hoping that she is willing to work with us on that a bit.  We will find out this morning.  We have nothing until the people here get through the house and give us our deposit back. However, in the dealings we've had with them in the past, I do not expect that to be quick, easy, or painless.  I am fully expecting them to take their sweet time with it, and then try and screw us out of as much as they possibly can.  

That, and I am also concerned with the amount of time that we will actually have to move.  I suppose it won't be too much of an issue, being as it is just right around the corner.  Moving will be fast.  Hell, I don't even have to pack too much really.  Just walk it over there.  We may only have a window of a week or so to get over there, which is totally doable.   My ideal scenario would be for us to be able to start moving in around the 15th, in order to give us plenty of time to actually set up and move stuff around and all that.  However, that will involve extra money for split month's rent, which I just do not have. 
Omg.. I need more money.

  Oh well.  It will work itself out.  I just hope that this scenario itself works itself out.   I like the homeowner.  I love the location.  And the house is really cute.  Smaller than here, but workable.  My daughter gave it a big thumbs up, too.   So, keep your fingers crossed for us, will ya?  =)

  This whole having to move thing is causing me too much stress.  I think I am doing a good job at keeping it in check, but I have my moments of melt-down.  Usually quick moments by myself, where I can let a few tears out, have my mini-freak-out, wash my face, and get back to normal before people notice my absence.  We have a few other places we've put calls into- on maybe good possibility, but I'm not putting any faith in it until it's a done deal.

  I have boxes all over my house, ready to be packed.  However, I'm struggling with trying to figure out what to pack.  We've moved so many times over the past few years, and purged with each move, so there really isn't too much more to get rid of.  And, I don't want to get rid of stuff I'll want once we're settled just because I'm having a tantrum today.  I've done that too many times, too.  I don't have the income to just go and replace it. 

 Plus, all the boxes, and trying to figure out what to pack, just reminds me that, once again, I'm having to do this.  I wonder when I'll find a place where I will be comfortable finally unpacking all the boxes;  Putting pictures on the walls, decorating...   When will we finally be able to settle?  It makes me feel like such a huge-ass failure as a person.  I'm almost 36 years old, and I don't have  a place where I call "home" and mean/feel it.  Because next year I'll just have to pack everything up again for one reason or another, and move it.  Granted, some of those moves have been my own damn fault.  Not this one, though.  Nor will the next.  Unless we get another really craptastic landlord (cross your fingers that that is not the case!). 

I am constantly reminded of my dad telling me that I was a "worthless piece of shit that would never amount to anything".  I often get the feeling that he was correct in his prediction.  And that makes me feel even worse.  I remember the dreams- no, not dreams, the conviction- as a kid, that I was going to be someone.  Maybe not someone famous, or necessarily rich, but I was going to be living a great life, comfortably.  I let the fact that I was so smart in school go to my head.  I thought there was no way I would ever be where I am now.  Well, hello drugs and money.  LOL.   I know things could be so much worse than they are now.  I am thankful that my son came when he did.  I'd much rather have the financial struggles from having a child than the horrible problems that would have arose from the drugs and the lifestyle I was living before I got pregnant.  It's more probable that I wouldn't even be around anymore.. or I'd be so much of a shell of myself that I may as well be dead.

But, I wanted so much more than this.  I expected so much more.  I want so much more for my kids.  I want to take them on vacations to places like Disneyland, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon, etc...  I want to be able to pay for them to participate in the activities they want to.  But, as sad as it is to say, right now I'd be so grateful just to give them a place where they can call home and not have to worry about moving again.  I can't believe I'm 35 years old, and still dont' have that. 

I try to rectify the situation, but how?  I don't know what to do.  I guess I could work more.  Find another job to make more money so that I can afford more.  I've mentioned that more than once on here, I know.  But I also am a firm believer that money doesn't solve everything.  It doesn't make a life.  More often than not, the working takes away from the life.  I don't want to take away time from my children.  I want a magic fairy godmother to shake her wand, say "Bibbity-bobbity-BOO" and make things brilliant for me.  

I take solace in that fact that I think my kids are happy.  I've so far been able to keep them in the same area, in the same schools, with their same friends.  That is one thing I refuse to compromise on.  I will not make them change schools.  I will go live in an apartment complex if that is what it takes.  Their schools/friends/etc are the one thing I've been able to keep constant for them.  The only way we will change (although it won't affect my son now that he's in the high school) is if we were somehow able to buy a house.   Then we would consider changing the junior high my daughter goes to.  But until that happens, we are staying in this area.  

So that is where it stands as of now.  I have my mini panic attacks here and there, but for the most part, I try to push them aside and focus my attentions elsewhere.  I'll save the major panic attack for last.   LOL

         I seem to be in this whole "once-a-month posting" thing, or something.  It seems that every month to month-and-a-half I'll put something up here.   Even though things have been pretty eventful around here, in their own way.  I just haven't had the drive to post about it.  Whether or not that's a good thing, bad thing, or "who cares?" thing, I don't know.  Regardless, here I am again.  

     Dustin has come back.  It's been a while now, but as I mentioned before, I just haven't sat down to post about anything.   He proved me wrong, which is one of those times when being proven wrong is a good great thing.   However, some of me wonders if it would be the case if things had gone good out there.  If he had gotten a job, etc... would he still have come back?   I have decided that it's best not to dwell on that sort of thinking, though.  He's here, and I'm happy about that, so I will leave it at that. 

     Things with the house are frustrating.  We still have no word back from the property management on whether or not our lease is going to be renewed, or if they still want us out.   It's incredibly stressful.  We were so excited to be with a property management team so that we would have actual communications about our house, and get problems resolved in a timely manner.  That hasn't been farther from the case here.  There is absolutely no communications from them.  I don't know if it's a problem with the homeowners, or just the property management, but regardless, the property management should be telling us something.  Even if it's just "They still haven't gotten back to me yet."  But silence is not golden in this scenario.  It's pissing me off, to be completely honest.   We were so excited to finally have found someplace where we would no longer have to move.  Somewhere we could finally settle down and make a real home; have some stability for the kids.  Then they tell us half-way through that they changed their minds.  Well, our property management person told us that. Once.  Then hasn't said a word about it since.  So, we aren't sure if it was ever really an honest statement, or something said in passing as a "maybe" that got blown out of proportion to us, or what.  But I can tell you that her lack of communication has really frustrated us to the point of no longer wanting to deal with it, even if they do decide to renew the lease. 

    But at the same time it makes me so sad, because we truly love this place.  It the perfect location and the perfect size.  We love the yard, and the garage area.  The thought of having to pack up and leave it behind makes my insides hurt.  Honestly hurt.   It makes my stomach twist and my brain just refuses to deal with it.  When I try, it gets all achy and foggy... I feel like a dvd that's skipping.   But dealing with this property management (or, not dealing with them, if you want to get technical...) is too much.   We are in a state of constantly being on our toes, not knowing what is going to happen. 

   We have a place to go.  And it's super cute.  But I have my reservations about it, I must say.  There are questions that have come up between Dustin and myself (I will talk to you about those later, if you are reading this).  I'm not going to post them here, because they do not need to be publicly addressed, but I was hoping to be super excited about the next place we found.  I suppose it's just because we like it here so much.  

   Maybe it's just that I don't know how to handle things going right for a change.  Things seem to have been falling in place lately.  Dustin is going back to school, with strong work options.  We have someone willing to get us into a place with no money down (which is essential if we are to move, as we don't have the funds for deposits, first/last, etc at the moment).   My secured credit card went unsecured, and they refunded my deposit for that, which was just enough to get us officially caught up on bills, which is a bonus and huge relief.    But things just feel off to me.  It's almost like walking through a great dream, but one that has a dark undertone and winds up turning into a huge nightmare.   I keep waiting for the boogeyman to jump out and steal everything out from under me. 

  Oh well.  I am going to just take things day to day and see how they wind up.  I'm trying to keep my anxiety at bearable levels, but I can feel the tendrils of panic seeping in, which is strange since things are going okay if not good, and I see no reason to freak-the-eff out.  But, there it is.   However, I am going to be thankful for every positive thing that comes our way, and remind myself that we deserve it. 

  Next month I am participating in the South Kitsap Relay for Life, to help fund cancer research and awareness.  This is something dear to me.  I hope you can take a moment of time and a bit of change from your pocket book and help my team (through my job at the library) to help support this fantastic cause.   

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?px=16003778&pg=personal&fr_id=38873

Thank you!!!

  Another day of me dragging my feet.  I know I should try to lift my spirits, but the desire to is just not there.  "What is the point?" that nagging voice in my head asks me.  "So that you can be knocked down further?"   I just want to curl up and go back to bed.  I don't want to deal with anything today.  Yesterday I lost my glasses.  They are gone. So even reading is strenuous.  Yet here I am anyway.  I know my way around a keyboard well enough, so I do not worry about my typing.  I can see well enough to notice if I forgot a space or whatnot. 

I almost called out of work today, but I'm not going to.  Part of it is because I fear for how my eyes will do with the computers there.  I am hoping I can change the resolution to a size I can see okay.  But mostly it's because I just don't have any drive or desire to do anything today, other than sit here and mope and feel sorry for myself over stupid things.  I do feel ill, but it's hard for me to tell anymore if it's the depression or an actual illness going on.  The headaches and stomachaches are so frequent that who knows anymore.  I did get the gumption to finally call and make a doctor's appointment yesterday, only to realize that the number is long distance, which I cannot call on my phone.  So, once again, dashed. 

I am sure I bring much of this upon myself.  I am a believer in energies and that you attract what you put out there.  However, even when I've tried my hardest to put forth only positive energy, I still get smacked down.   I'm so tired. 

It's getting harder to believe in hope.   I hope, and I hope, and I hope... and nothing ever works out for me.  One thing after another, dashed.  Hope isn't something I can hold on to, because it's doomed to fail the moment my heart flutters with anticipation or excitement.  The moment the smile crosses my lips, and that hope enters my being-  whatever it is I'm hopeful for is cursed and doomed to ashes.  There is no point in hoping anymore.  I don't think my heart can take it anymore.  I am honestly afraid to hope for something, to give it voice or thought, because I'm afraid that by doing so I have cursed it.  I am one huge curse.  I wish I knew what I did to cause that.

It's getting harder to control myself... I keep finding myself breaking down into tears at random moments.  I just wish things could go back to being simple.  I just want simple.  I don't want any more stress.  My brain is so out-of-whack its scaring me.  Like- seriously scaring me.   I just cannot seem to focus at all.  I just want to sleep all the time.  I don't want to deal with anything anymore.  I just want to crawl away and sleep it all away.   Just let it all pass me by.  Maybe if I hide under the covers long enough it won't see me and will forget me and just go away. 

I can feel tendrils coiling around my brain lately.  So far, they've only been made of smoke, and I can make them dissipate if I notice them and try.  Which I've been able to do for the most part.  However, I know how this works.  They don't "go away".   They just lose some of their substance and form.  They are still there though, winding their way around my mind.   Picking and prodding and seeing where they can squeeze in and infiltrate.   It's like brushing at cobwebs; Constantly brushing at cobwebs. 

 I try to do things to help make them weaker.  Or, rather, to help make myself stronger.

1.   I try to watch what I eat, and make sure I get healthy stuff in me every day, if not at every meal.  Every meal is the ultimate goal, but it's hard when dealing with picky kids who like regular comfort foods, as well as time restraints and money.  As I get more involved and get more trial and error I'm sure I'll find recipes and ideas that work for me.  It's just getting there.

2.  I am also trying to do some sort of exercise every day- be it walking to/from work, jogging on the treadmill, or doing some floor exercises that I've found.  The more I can do the better I feel, but I try not to beat myself up if I only get one of them done.

3.  I am keeping a clean(ish) house.  The less clutter I have around me, the less clutter seems to be in my head while I am here.  Plus, cleaning the house gets me up and moving around.  It's its own sort of exercise.  I also get the sense of accomplishment from looking around and seeing neatness. 


Things I want to work on:

~  Writing more.  I need to do this.  As a matter of fact, it's part of what this whole blog post is here for:  Getting me writing.  Here, the other blog, or writing on one of my stories (wouldn't that be great!)... just writing somewhere.

~  More outings with friends/family.   I tend to retreat within myself, and just hide out.  It's not always intentional.  I've discovered that this house is not conducive to people knocking.  There is no doorbell, so unless I am in the living room, I don't hear the door.  Unless the house is silent- no music, no dishwasher, no heater.  That is pretty rare.  Like... super rare.   However, even when people do get ahold of me, I find myself just wanting to stay home.  Parties I'm not into anymore, so I really don't feel too bad taking a rain check on those.  I would like to have more casual gatherings though, like BBQs and such.  With the weather warming up there will be more opportunities to take advantage of trips to the lake, etc...  My brother and his girlfriend (and my friend!) are coming over this weekend for a BBQ.  Well, she is at least going to come over for some girl time.  I've got cases of wine (yes, plural) that are begging for attention!

~Get outside more.  I'm definitely happier when outside in the sunshine.  Sunshine is lacking in this state, so when it is here, I need to take advantage.  Take the kids out for lake trips, to the park, hiking, whatever!  Myself, too, if I'm by myself. 

~ Craft more.  Be creative.  Stop being lazy. Pick a craft and do it.  Sometimes I get frustrated because I never have all the components for what I want to do.  And don't have the money to go buy what I need.  But, I can start keeping a list of what I want to do, what I need for it, and where to find it (did I get it in a book, website, etc) so that when I'm able to get the part I need, I can do it!



So, while I can feel the worms of depression trying to weasel their way back in, I'm so far so good (fingers crossed) doing okay at battling them.  I am, however, keeping a close eye on it, and vow to take measures of asking for help if it starts to get beyond my control.   I also know I'm good at hiding it until it gets to the point of "no return".  Or so it feels sometimes.  I'll try not to hide it.  I don't want to get as bad as I did last time. That scared me. I know it scared a lot of people.