I seem to be in this whole "once-a-month posting" thing, or something. It seems that every month to month-and-a-half I'll put something up here. Even though things have been pretty eventful around here, in their own way. I just haven't had the drive to post about it. Whether or not that's a good thing, bad thing, or "who cares?" thing, I don't know. Regardless, here I am again.
Dustin has come back. It's been a while now, but as I mentioned before, I just haven't sat down to post about anything. He proved me wrong, which is one of those times when being proven wrong is a good great thing. However, some of me wonders if it would be the case if things had gone good out there. If he had gotten a job, etc... would he still have come back? I have decided that it's best not to dwell on that sort of thinking, though. He's here, and I'm happy about that, so I will leave it at that.
Things with the house are frustrating. We still have no word back from the property management on whether or not our lease is going to be renewed, or if they still want us out. It's incredibly stressful. We were so excited to be with a property management team so that we would have actual communications about our house, and get problems resolved in a timely manner. That hasn't been farther from the case here. There is absolutely no communications from them. I don't know if it's a problem with the homeowners, or just the property management, but regardless, the property management should be telling us something. Even if it's just "They still haven't gotten back to me yet." But silence is not golden in this scenario. It's pissing me off, to be completely honest. We were so excited to finally have found someplace where we would no longer have to move. Somewhere we could finally settle down and make a real home; have some stability for the kids. Then they tell us half-way through that they changed their minds. Well, our property management person told us that. Once. Then hasn't said a word about it since. So, we aren't sure if it was ever really an honest statement, or something said in passing as a "maybe" that got blown out of proportion to us, or what. But I can tell you that her lack of communication has really frustrated us to the point of no longer wanting to deal with it, even if they do decide to renew the lease.
But at the same time it makes me so sad, because we truly love this place. It the perfect location and the perfect size. We love the yard, and the garage area. The thought of having to pack up and leave it behind makes my insides hurt. Honestly hurt. It makes my stomach twist and my brain just refuses to deal with it. When I try, it gets all achy and foggy... I feel like a dvd that's skipping. But dealing with this property management (or, not dealing with them, if you want to get technical...) is too much. We are in a state of constantly being on our toes, not knowing what is going to happen.
We have a place to go. And it's super cute. But I have my reservations about it, I must say. There are questions that have come up between Dustin and myself (I will talk to you about those later, if you are reading this). I'm not going to post them here, because they do not need to be publicly addressed, but I was hoping to be super excited about the next place we found. I suppose it's just because we like it here so much.
Maybe it's just that I don't know how to handle things going right for a change. Things seem to have been falling in place lately. Dustin is going back to school, with strong work options. We have someone willing to get us into a place with no money down (which is essential if we are to move, as we don't have the funds for deposits, first/last, etc at the moment). My secured credit card went unsecured, and they refunded my deposit for that, which was just enough to get us officially caught up on bills, which is a bonus and huge relief. But things just feel off to me. It's almost like walking through a great dream, but one that has a dark undertone and winds up turning into a huge nightmare. I keep waiting for the boogeyman to jump out and steal everything out from under me.
Oh well. I am going to just take things day to day and see how they wind up. I'm trying to keep my anxiety at bearable levels, but I can feel the tendrils of panic seeping in, which is strange since things are going okay if not good, and I see no reason to freak-the-eff out. But, there it is. However, I am going to be thankful for every positive thing that comes our way, and remind myself that we deserve it.
Next month I am participating in the South Kitsap Relay for Life, to help fund cancer research and awareness. This is something dear to me. I hope you can take a moment of time and a bit of change from your pocket book and help my team (through my job at the library) to help support this fantastic cause.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY12GW?px=16003778&pg=personal&fr_id=38873
Thank you!!!
Another day of me dragging my feet. I know I should try to lift my spirits, but the desire to is just not there. "What is the point?" that nagging voice in my head asks me. "So that you can be knocked down further?" I just want to curl up and go back to bed. I don't want to deal with anything today. Yesterday I lost my glasses. They are gone. So even reading is strenuous. Yet here I am anyway. I know my way around a keyboard well enough, so I do not worry about my typing. I can see well enough to notice if I forgot a space or whatnot.
I almost called out of work today, but I'm not going to. Part of it is because I fear for how my eyes will do with the computers there. I am hoping I can change the resolution to a size I can see okay. But mostly it's because I just don't have any drive or desire to do anything today, other than sit here and mope and feel sorry for myself over stupid things. I do feel ill, but it's hard for me to tell anymore if it's the depression or an actual illness going on. The headaches and stomachaches are so frequent that who knows anymore. I did get the gumption to finally call and make a doctor's appointment yesterday, only to realize that the number is long distance, which I cannot call on my phone. So, once again, dashed.
I am sure I bring much of this upon myself. I am a believer in energies and that you attract what you put out there. However, even when I've tried my hardest to put forth only positive energy, I still get smacked down. I'm so tired.
It's getting harder to believe in hope. I hope, and I hope, and I hope... and nothing ever works out for me. One thing after another, dashed. Hope isn't something I can hold on to, because it's doomed to fail the moment my heart flutters with anticipation or excitement. The moment the smile crosses my lips, and that hope enters my being- whatever it is I'm hopeful for is cursed and doomed to ashes. There is no point in hoping anymore. I don't think my heart can take it anymore. I am honestly afraid to hope for something, to give it voice or thought, because I'm afraid that by doing so I have cursed it. I am one huge curse. I wish I knew what I did to cause that.
It's getting harder to control myself... I keep finding myself breaking down into tears at random moments. I just wish things could go back to being simple. I just want simple. I don't want any more stress. My brain is so out-of-whack its scaring me. Like- seriously scaring me. I just cannot seem to focus at all. I just want to sleep all the time. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I just want to crawl away and sleep it all away. Just let it all pass me by. Maybe if I hide under the covers long enough it won't see me and will forget me and just go away.
I can feel tendrils coiling around my brain lately. So far, they've only been made of smoke, and I can make them dissipate if I notice them and try. Which I've been able to do for the most part. However, I know how this works. They don't "go away". They just lose some of their substance and form. They are still there though, winding their way around my mind. Picking and prodding and seeing where they can squeeze in and infiltrate. It's like brushing at cobwebs; Constantly brushing at cobwebs.
I try to do things to help make them weaker. Or, rather, to help make myself stronger.
1. I try to watch what I eat, and make sure I get healthy stuff in me every day, if not at every meal. Every meal is the ultimate goal, but it's hard when dealing with picky kids who like regular comfort foods, as well as time restraints and money. As I get more involved and get more trial and error I'm sure I'll find recipes and ideas that work for me. It's just getting there.
2. I am also trying to do some sort of exercise every day- be it walking to/from work, jogging on the treadmill, or doing some floor exercises that I've found. The more I can do the better I feel, but I try not to beat myself up if I only get one of them done.
3. I am keeping a clean(ish) house. The less clutter I have around me, the less clutter seems to be in my head while I am here. Plus, cleaning the house gets me up and moving around. It's its own sort of exercise. I also get the sense of accomplishment from looking around and seeing neatness.
Things I want to work on:
~ Writing more. I need to do this. As a matter of fact, it's part of what this whole blog post is here for: Getting me writing. Here, the other blog, or writing on one of my stories (wouldn't that be great!)... just writing somewhere.
~ More outings with friends/family. I tend to retreat within myself, and just hide out. It's not always intentional. I've discovered that this house is not conducive to people knocking. There is no doorbell, so unless I am in the living room, I don't hear the door. Unless the house is silent- no music, no dishwasher, no heater. That is pretty rare. Like... super rare. However, even when people do get ahold of me, I find myself just wanting to stay home. Parties I'm not into anymore, so I really don't feel too bad taking a rain check on those. I would like to have more casual gatherings though, like BBQs and such. With the weather warming up there will be more opportunities to take advantage of trips to the lake, etc... My brother and his girlfriend (and my friend!) are coming over this weekend for a BBQ. Well, she is at least going to come over for some girl time. I've got cases of wine (yes, plural) that are begging for attention!
~Get outside more. I'm definitely happier when outside in the sunshine. Sunshine is lacking in this state, so when it is here, I need to take advantage. Take the kids out for lake trips, to the park, hiking, whatever! Myself, too, if I'm by myself.
~ Craft more. Be creative. Stop being lazy. Pick a craft and do it. Sometimes I get frustrated because I never have all the components for what I want to do. And don't have the money to go buy what I need. But, I can start keeping a list of what I want to do, what I need for it, and where to find it (did I get it in a book, website, etc) so that when I'm able to get the part I need, I can do it!
So, while I can feel the worms of depression trying to weasel their way back in, I'm so far so good (fingers crossed) doing okay at battling them. I am, however, keeping a close eye on it, and vow to take measures of asking for help if it starts to get beyond my control. I also know I'm good at hiding it until it gets to the point of "no return". Or so it feels sometimes. I'll try not to hide it. I don't want to get as bad as I did last time. That scared me. I know it scared a lot of people.
dictonary.com
Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up groggy, having been deep in sleep when the alarm went off. My body was not ready to be awake, and I really had to fight to keep my eyes open and to make my limbs move to get up. I am not a morning person by any means, but this was unusual. I was in pain from the moment I moved, my shoulder and neck area on the left completely pissed off. It was the deep, sinking kind of pain. The kind that makes me horribly ill to my stomach.
I got up, started my coffee. My son was already up, having woke an hour earlier than normal not realizing it himself. The day was dreary, overcast with little sunlight. It was at least dry. He got off to school on time, and I got my daughter up and off to school. At least that whole affair was uneventful, as usual. They never give me issue.
However, for some reason, my brain was just not prepared for nor interested in the day. My emotions were haywire, which I'm sure was in some part the result of all the pain. My shoulders and neck have been paining me for days. It was bound to catch up with me. Add into that the disturbed sleep, the dreary day, and the stresses that I've been dealing with. I broke down a few times. I could not get motivated, though I forced myself to get the housework I needed done complete. I was even able to make dinner and have it be successful. What I could not do was cheer up, or relax, or even really focus or think clearly. My entire body seemed to be out of whack, right down to the molecular level. I felt pulled and stretched and twisted into all different directions. Nothing was within my control.
My brain seems to be in a bit better state of repair today, by a bit. The pain is now in the other shoulder as well, though. Luckily, due to scheduling shifts last week, I do not need to be in to work until much later today, and I will only be there a short while. So, I am hopeful that I will be able to function enough to make it through that. Tomorrow, however, I am working all day, and much of it will be physical. I am hoping that doing physical work will be easier on me. It seems strange that I would prefer the physical work when in so much pain, especially when the physical-ness of it will be mostly utilizing the area that hurts. However, the effects whatever this is has on me is so much more in the mental department. I find it hard to focus, to think, to process... and I can tell it's happening and it is so incredibly frustrating. The more I try to reign it in and make my brain work, the more it rebels, and then the stomach queasiness and that feeling of my body twisting and breaking and atomizing gets worse. Which is why I was able to get the housework done yesterday despite my lack of motivation. Moving means I can kind of go into auto-pilot, and let my brain relax and do whatever it is it needs to do. Conserve the energy so it can use it to heal itself, I suppose.
I started taking vitamins again yesterday. A good, all-around multivitamin for the three of us, and then additional Vitamin D (with Fish oil) and a B-Complex mix for myself. I may have the kids start taking the vitamin D once the weather turns dark again in a few months. I am very much affected by the lack of good weather here. There are only about 3-4 months out of the year that the weather is nice, dry and actually sunny and warm. Those months I thrive. I could spend all day(s) just lounging at the lake, basking in the sunshine. I would say I have that Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it's hard to tell, because that dreary "season" is pretty much autumn through spring. I do know that I always have tons more energy and a feeling of well-being, and I even think something bordering on the verge of actual happiness, during the summertime. Or, whenever the weather makes a turn for the better. I also know that after that good turn comes, when the bad weather strikes again, it hits me harder, too.
But what do you do when that dreary season is 9 months long??
On the advice of my sister (who is not a doctor, but I'm starting to mistrust most of them anyway), I started taking Vitamin D; A little dose of sunshine that may not be given by the actual appearance of the sun. I suppose it will be hard to tell whether or not it is actually making a difference, since it seems the warmer weather is peeking into us a bit early (though, I am really trying to not get used to it. The weather here is notorious for giving a few days tease, and then taking it away again for weeks). However, my hope is that by the time the dreary season comes back, I will have enough sunshine dosed up in me to counteract the blackness those clouds, rain and cold bring me.
Today was one of those beautiful Northwest days. The kind that catches those tourists who happen to come at the right time, and reels them in. It was sunny, warm but not hot (it IS still Sping). I took a walk this late morning, down to the Farmer's Market. The air was still chilly enough to warrant a sweater, but the day was bright. The sky a stark turquoise, the water deep blue. As I walked down the hill I watched white boat sails slice through the ocean, the sun twinkling so much off the waters, I almost feared it would give me a migraine. I came home empty handed. I hadn't really figured I'd be buying anything today. It was the walk I was after. Down the hill, around the market, and back up the hill. A Little League baseball game or three was going on at the park, so it was neat to listen to the crack of the bat hitting the ball, and the cheers of the audience as the players ran the bases, or made the catch or throw.
The kids were up when I got home, so we made banana -chocolate -chip pancakes and bacon for a late breakfast. Then we tackled cleaning the garage and mowing the lawn. That got done much sooner than I had expected, but it was entirely too nice outside to go inside. Instead, my son brought a chair, table, and my laptop outside to work on his homework. My daughter and I just lounged around on the grass, soaking in the sun. We don't see much of that sun thing around here. It is a must to take advantage of it when it shows up.
After awhile, the day was just too nice to sit around, and the kids got up and started playing with sticks and branches, sword-fighting each other. Then the frisbee came out, and the three of us dashed around, throwing and catching it. I. Suck. At. Frisbee. I cannot throw it properly to save my life. It made for quite a few belly laughs. My daughter was throwing it to tear people's fingers off if they tried to catch it, so instead my son and I would tend to dodge her throws. My son, as tall as he is, kept throwing it over the fence, and then would have to run and get it.
One of my favorite things to do during these sunny days is to just close my eyes and listen to the sounds. Especially the birdsong. I love listening to them tweet and chirp and sing to one another, answering each other. It is so beautiful and freeing. I love the other sounds, too: someone running a lawnmower, the aforementined crack of the baseball bat and cheers of the crowd, young children running and laughing as they play somewhere, the sizzle of a grill and the clink of ice in the glass, bees buzzing from flower to flower... It all takes me back to when I was young. To the days when I was a child, running through the park with my friends, giving birds the cats had gotten burials, playing superheroes, lying on a fallen tree trunk in a field with the sway of the tall dry grasses around me, or sunning on a large boulder at Rocky Mountain next to the snakes. Back in the days when I had nothing to care about or worry about, other than making it home in time for dinner. Back when things were uncomplicated.
I really hope that my children are developing memories like that. It is my goal this year to not be indoors on nice days. I want to make it a point to take absolute full advantage of nice weather when we get it. Even it that just means standing outside badly throwing frisbees at each other. The computers and Ipods and Kindles and video games will still be inside when the sun goes down.
I tried my hand at making some homemade laundry soap today. 4 ingredients and I got about 2 gallons worth of laundry soap. Supposedly it only takes about 1/2 cup of soap per load, and works super well. I've yet to try it out, since I had started the only load of laundry I have already this morning. So, I'll have to update that part later. I've heard good things though, so I'm kind of excited.
See the entire post here, complete with walk-thru pictures: One Good Thing
Take a look around her blog, too. It's got some great stuff!!
What you need:
1 bar of soap. I used Ivory.
1 cup borax
1 cup washing soda
8 cups hot water, plus lots more
What you do:
I highly recommend you have all of your soap, borax, and washing soda measured out and ready to go before starting.
Grate the bar of soap into a large pot. Add the 8 cups of hot water and bring to a slow boil. Keep an eye on this, because once it starts to boil, it foams up a lot!! I turned around to measure the washing soda and it boiled over on me.
Add the borax and washing soda. Return to a boil. Remove from stove.
Divide between two containers. I used old, mostly rinsed out laundry soap containers I still had. The blogger I got this from used rinsed out gallon-sized orange juice containers. The division doesn't have to be exact. Once the soap is divided between the two containers, fill them the remainder of the way with water.
Top the containers and shake well. Shake before each use.
That's it!!
Like I mentioned, I haven't used it yet. I will update this post once I do!