I feel like I'm cracking up. Not in the gut-crunching joyful way, but in the mind-splitting crazy way. My brain feels like it's pulsing, swelling and receding. The world takes on a somewhat skewed, warped view, and it's maddening. I've found my emotions all over the place. I am upset or angry for no reason, and even while feeling it, I cannot pinpoint what is causing it. I can't even hit the target. My arrows are falling precariously beyond, short, around- anywhere but at the intended area. I cannot figure out what is causing my emotion wave-surfing. It seems that everything I have enjoyed is starting to take on a greyed appearance, and it is flavorless. I know that I'm acting irrational, yet have no means by which to stop it.
It is horrible to feel this while with my children. I try to keep that happy face on and not let them see how horrible I feel. Not only physically and mentally, but made worse by the fact that I now have guilt at not being completely engaged with them, either. I've noticed that my fuse is considerably shorter, and I get aggrivated and moody so easily. I have little interest in interacting with others, even those I love tremendously. I find myself pushing others away, crawling away instead into my own silence and melancholy. I close my mind off to anything other than what I am intent on at the moment, and any interferance is cause for strife for me.
It manifests itself physically as well. Headaches, stiff neck and shoulders, stomach upset and nausea, lack of appetite, or horrendous appetites. I've been chewing my nails more than normal.
I am reading voraciously. It's as if I just want to immerse myself in the fantasy life of some other writer- to lose myself and not have to come out into the real world. I can live in that otherworld for awhile. I don't want to leave the house and interact with anyone other than those fantasy characters in the books.
I still get up and do what I need to do. I make dinner, I clean the house, I feed the animals, and exercise. I shower, I eat, I interact with my kids and take them to their various activities. I sleep as well as I can, and I get up in the morning.
I don't want to go back on anti-depressants, although I know that is what my symptoms describe. I've been down that road enough times to know my way around it. I also know that taking those dratted pills was never my forte. I only end up sending myself on a drugged up see-saw. And while it's not narcotic, it's still an assault on the hormones in my body, and with the rapid rises and tragic dips, it's more than my little brain can take.
So, I suppose I can research more natural methods to battle depression. I know about diet and exercise, and getting out there. I know I will work to act on more of those things. Maybe some St Johns Wort to help me along the way. I'm hoping that once the snow and frost subside for the year and the Sun comes out in all his glory, that it will help to liven my spirits, to make me excited about going outside the house again.
I push myself to force myself beyond this shell of intolerance and annoyance, and delve into the beauty and harmony that lies inside. I embrace my children, sit down and help them with thier homework, answer or find the answers to their questions, listen to their stories, ask them questions, see how their days went and be genuinely interested in what they say.
And today is my daughter's birthday. Nine whole years old now. I had to work all day, but she got to take her friend with her to IHOP for breakfast with Dustin. She also got to hit the candy store.
Yesterday we had their party at the park. The weather was a champ and held out beautifully for us. Albeit extremely cold! The party was actually cut short due to how chilly it was outside. I was a bit disappointed that everyone decided to leave so early, but I was cold myself, so I understood.
The kids pulled in a nice haul, though not as big as usual. With them getting older and harder to buy for though, that is not suprising. I even had to just break down and get my daughter a gift card, since I could not figure out what to get her. She was so adament about NO TOYS!
So, happy birthday Babooska.
Next year will be the big one, with them turning 13 and 10. Wish me luck!
Today my oldest turns 12. I can't believe how times flies. It seems he was only a toddler running after his sister mere months ago. Now, he is on the verge of turning into a young man. He is still at that wayward stage. He is the cool, collected young man on one side, and my little boy who still enjoys sitting and playing with his action figures and playdough. Especially with his sister. Of course, his games are turned into complex, strategic games. Almost Dungeon and Dragonesque. I bet if I bought him a D&D book he'd have a blast with it.
Since his sister's birthday is only 3 days away, we combine their parties into one. This year, we will celebrate at one of the local parks this Saturday. It has a nice big field, baseball fields, BMX trails, hiking trails, and a nice little playground to roll around in. As long as the weather cooperates, it will be a grand time. And, I suppose I could just tell everyone to bring a change of clothes, and in the case the weather decides to pour rain, we can have a great big dirty game of mud football.
We are replacing his PSP for him for his birthday. A pricey gift, but the one he had broke on him. Right before Christmas this happened, and since we were unaware of it, had bought him about 4 new PSP games. So he has sat, pouring through the literature that came with them, excited about the gameplay, but unable to partake in it. So, we are going to remedy that situation.
Now, hopefully he doesn't pick one of these next couple days to start reading my blog.
My little boy is growing up. He's not so little anymore (not that he was ever little to begin with, being a 10 pound, 10 ounce, 21 & 3/4 inch baby when he was born!). It makes me feel old. But it also makes me proud to see that, all in all, he is growing into a very great little man!
Happy birthday, Pumpkin!
So, I decided one of the issues I have with my writing is the fact that I'm making most of it public for everyone to read. This makes me more nervous and unhappy with it. Yes, there is a way for me to keep it private. But I like to just put it out there once it's written there. The private area is hard for me to go back into and edit/work on later. Just like this one is. But I never write anything on here that I need to think on and come back to. Nor do I have any reason to keep them private :)
To remedy this, I decided to move all of my stuff over to Microsoft Word. I was reluctant to do this before, because I was afraid of my computer crashing, and losing everything. Or not being able to get into Word. Or using another computer.
I made a deal with myself that anytime I add, change, write, etc on that story- I will save it on the website. If I change any of the ones I've already posted, they will be reposted in their updated form. However, there will probably not be anything new for awhile. Everything else I will save in the private area, so that if something does go wrong with this computer, I will still have access to everything I've done.
But that is aside from the point I originally came here to write about. While going through my website and transferring these files over, I came across an old story I was starting to work on. It was my main story before Bone&Silver. It, too, is a good story. But a bit risque, which I think is why it was so easy for me to switch over all my energies to B&S. After seeing it again though, I feel those neurons firing up again. I suppose I will be going back and forth between the two. Hopefully I won't start getting them mixed together!
On another note, I also noticed that when I go back through and do the spell check on my website- it's not saving the changes I made. I type rather fast, but my spelling gets horrible when I'm in that zone. So I rely on the spell checker to work for me, so that I don't have to worry about that proofing. Apparently that isn't the case anymore, so I apologize for the horrid spelling and grammatical errors. They shall be remedied!
I got most of my house cleaned up today. It can be a chore when you're chasing around a man, 2 pre-teen kids, a dog, and a cat. (not me.. I'm the epitome of clean.....) *you can laugh now*
Kitchen got a good wipe down. It's amazing the things you find in the corners of the kitchen. Bathrooms, too. That's gross though, and very rarely will I get my hands dirty there. I leave bathroom duty for Dustin. He's got a stronger stomach than I. However, all of the laundry is done. I even put it all away, including the kids. Their's took some rearranging of drawers and closets. And that prompted me to jimmy-rig some kind of device together for my daughter's dresser, since the drawer handles had broken off. Some twine, a few pretty beads, and a couple knots, and now she can get her drawers open again. And there is a little decoration thrown in.
After I was satisfied with the house, and realized my ambition to exercise via Wii was all but vanished, I decided that it was a beautiful day awasting. I headed out to get my plants transferred into the garden plot. Radishes went first. They were begging to be set free! I went back to the shed for the carrots ( I think. Everything started to get all jumbled together.. so we'll see if everything grows where I think it is!). And of course, while heading back over to the garden bed, our dog decided he wanted to go nuts, and tore right through where I had just planted the radishes. Of all the area in the bed, he had to go right through there. I thought I was going to kill him. I was pretty sure we'd be having doggie stew for dinner. However, I composed myself, tended to my little darlings, sweet talking them into hanging in there. And then yelled at the dog. He's still alive though, laying here behind my chair like nothing happened.
No writing done today. Wish I could say that was surprising, but it's not. I did wind up doing some last night, and was so dissatisfied and peeved at it, I had to stop and go to bed. It kept me up most of the night, the scene playing out in my head, but not being able to find the right words to put down. Grrr! I'll try again later. Right now I have to go get dinner started. Red beans and rice. It's a prepackaged bag. Hopefully it won't be too spicy. Otherwise I just may end up at Taco Bell anyway.
By Bette Midler
Probably one of my all-time favorite songs
Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to blead
Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed
It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winterfar beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love
in the spring
becomes the rose
I've come to the conclusion that I am just a big, fat scaredy cat when it comes to writing. There is always an excuse for me not to, even when I'm itching to. It's that fear of it not coming out the way I envision it in my head. All the reading I've been doing contrarily has not been helping. I read all these good stories, and they make me feel even more incompetent.
When I try to put stuff down, it all comes out jumbled up. Trying to sort through that jumbled mess and piece it together just frusterates me. I start second guessing myself, start wondering if that is the best avenue of approach, or if it sounds believable. I'm not good at doing research, and I think that will hurt me. Of course, I can save it until after my story is out of my head, but then what if I go to do that research and find out that what I wrote isn't plausible. Another rewrite.
I know the basis behind my story is good. I know the idea is good. I believe the responses I got from people when explaining my ideas and storyline to them. It was favorable. Now, just getting it all down in a readable written version is my hurdle. Sitting down and dedicating myself to it is my obstacle. My procrastination and laziness are not kind qualities. Neither is my self-doubt.
Will I actually sit myself down and spend some quality time with my website, story and computer tomorrow? I will have the peace and quiet I've wanted, and while the desktop may be uncomfortable, and the laptop snaily slow, do I really even notcie that when I'm in that zone? I think not. Enough of the excuses. Time to get real and do this.
Tomorrow.
I was suppose to go volunteer in my daughter's classroom after work today, but when I got there, I found out that her teacher was gone for the day. So, I found myself with some unexpected down time. At least a couple hours worth.
I thought I could maybe get some writing done, but with my head hurting this way, it's just not going to happen. Yes- more excuses, but I still have this rubber band taunt headache around my skull. I'm not sure what's causing it, but it just doesn't seem to want to leave. I wake with it, I go to bed with it. Frusterating, to say the least.
I am also going to have my day tomorrow free as well. An unexpected dentist appointment has my friend out of her house all day, so I won't be able to go hang out and show her some of the basic online fun-stuff, like creating Myspace or Facebook profiles, etc. I should show her the blogging, too :)
So, I'm hoping tomorrow the headache will give me a break. I will use the time to transfer my plants, and pray that the freezing spells are finished for the time being. And of course, since my kids cleaned their rooms yesterday there is a ton of laundry. And then writing. I should have the house to myself all day tomorrow, and would love to get some writing done. Please work with me on this, head! Regardless, I will do it anyway. If I ever aspire to finish it, I need to work on it. Hell, I'd be happy with a chapter!
Right now, I think I might go lay down and try to nap some. I see a nice little peek of sunshine on the couch there, and curling up in its warmth with my blankie sounds rather appealing. My brain thinks so, too.
The day is coming to it's end, and I have to say, I feel rather accomplished, even if I did not get everything done I had originally intended. I finished my cup of coffee, and did indeed have another. Once the kids were up and ready to go, we headed out to get some shopping done. Your garden variety household items from Walmart- including some food for my mouse, which is usually not easy to find there. A trip to the chinese buffet for some lunch, which the kids always enjoy. I did make it to the Goodwill, and while I did not find my baking pans, I did pick up some various items, such as a cute little tea party tin for my tea, and I even tried on some clothes, and brought them home with me. I even found a pair of very cute snakeskin look-a-like boots. Rawr.
On the way home we stopped at Lowe's- always dangerous! But we found just the light Dustin wanted for really cheap. We grabbed some of those planting pots that you can plant right into the ground, and I was able to transfer all of my starts that are now too big for their little greenhouse to those, and keep them in the shed with the lights still.
I got my house picked up, and the kitchen clean. My son worked on more of his homework, and him and my daughter both chose to use tomorrow as their day of cleaning their rooms. That is fine by me. I'll be working all day!
I sat down and went through a couple of the cookbooks, and typed up some of the recipes I thought looked interesting into my laptop. (The laptop is the only computer we have set up for printing from at the moment.) I even drew up a menu for the next 8 days, including a shopping list. Most of the items I already have on hand though.
So, all in all, I think it was a pretty good day. I'm satisfied with what I got done, and it makes me feel good. Now, I'm going to go play video games!